Ugh! Ive got that feeling of knowing I should be doing other things, (like be in bed for me right now) But you choose to do something unproductive instead.
Im sitting in Trevans room trying to get him to sleep and stay awake myself, and I'm thinking about just plain life in general.

Ian and I just celebrated our 4year anniversary and I cant stop thinking about how fast its flown by! Granted, 4 years isnt a huge amount of time, but It seems like yesterday that I was planning a wedding and a life changing move to a place I could have never guessed Id be. If you'd have asked me 5 years ago if I was the kind of person who could just pick up and leave Utah to live in Arkansas as a stay at home mom of 2 kids and a military wife, I would have died laughing! Id barely ever visited anywhere outside Utah back then. But now I look at everything over the last 4years and I can barely remember not being who I am now.
Not all of that is positive, its hard to sometimes look at my house and think "Wow Im super great!" More often than I should be admitting, I can see that My kids fight constantly, they color on the walls with markers (some of them permanent, and dont even get me started on the acrylic black paint I once found in trevans closet) I sometimes only see the unmade beds and the seemingly endless mountain of laundry, and the sticky spot on the kitchen floor where someone spilled juice and I just looked at it and hoped the cats would lick it up. (ps, they dont).... and I just want to run! Hightail it for someplace less chaotic.

BUT there are also parts of me that I can look at now and say "Wow I didnt know you had it in you.." because I honestly didnt.
These are the parts of me that Im trying to really think about and nurture and hope can get us through a really trying time that is sneaking up on our family right now.
We have maybe a good 9 weeks before we leave AR and the kids and I move back home to Utah for a year. It's exciting to think about being back home where all our family and some close friends are, but its also going to be a really hard year for us without Ian. Our little family has been through 2- four to five month deployments, it wasnt easy, but I think we did ok. thinking about a whole year though, makes me wonder if I, little ol' me...with the laundry piles and the markered walls and the spilled juice... could do it without half my heart for an entire year.
Now Ian is NOT the cleanliest person on the planet, sometimes I think Im going crazy when he can walk through the same house with the dishes in the sink and laundry on the floor and the aforementioned "kiddy wall art" that drives me insane, and not even bat an eye. It can be really frustrating. But when Im really stressed out, or angry, or sad, there is no one in the world who can bring me back and give calm and caring and love the way he does for me.

Can I live so long without that?
I really hope I can! It seems to be all I can think about lately.